Life Around The Corner

Choosing Life and Operating Happiness

The Dark

There is no easy way to become a Gangster;
Real soldiers carry their PTSD.
It Hunts me to the point I can’t sleep,
It scarred my heart deep deep.
I feel dark.

I carry heavy weight no one knows about.
I have visions I collapse
Visions of bleeding and of violent death.
My head bleeds
My neck bleeds
It’s scary.
I want my baby to tell me it’s alright
But he left me
Because I’m me.

I cry too much
I’m sad too much.
I’m a Queen in a cave,
My light is hidden.
I miss my baby
But he left me
And he was never mine.
I was being desperate and blind.

I’m afraid I will die alone and no one will know.
I’m afraid I won’t see my family ever again.
I’m afraid I won’t see my baby ever again.
A broken heart
I have.
My dog is gone,
My baby is gone.

I weep.
My eyes hurt
My neck hurts
There is no taste
Only after taste.

I think I am sick
I am love sick
I am vision impaired
I need help
I am so fucking hurt.

How do I live in the world without faith?
I feed myself the worst thoughts, how I’m unlovable and unaccepted.
It sounds absurd, even to me,
But every time I dare believe different for the slightest second,
My heart breaks.

No one has mercy for the none believers
Not even God.
And since I have no faith,
How will I achieve anything?

There is something very wrong with me.
I think I am a good woman
But maybe I am just trash.
I do not think I should live anymore
I am starting to think I only came here to die
To have my family used to living without me
So I could die.

God does not give me children or love.
I want to give others and I don’t know how.
I want to be my baby’s woman but he feels nothing for me.
I know I’m being stubborn but how do I let it all be?

Why am I so lame?

I try to get up and I start crying.
The pain doesn’t go away,
I cannot live this way anymore.
Without family there is no life.

Real G’s manage living with the lack of love.
Every day is a battle, wanting to forget and remember at the same time,
PTSD fucks with the mind.

I’m a G.
I hide my pain so well
Inside I cry.
I sleep with one eye open
Ready to die.

25 responses to “The Dark”

Leave a Reply

  1. Devang Upadhyaya Avatar

    You are neither trash nor lame!!
    You are amazing, kindly remember that!!
    I wish you the best
    I wish you a future full of smile and love. Keep shining

    1. Tut Yashar Avatar

      Thank you so much! I wish you the same, a beautiful present and future and pure joy

  2. poeticallyyours360 Avatar

    I imagine this was therapeutic… raw emotions with raw thoughts that scare others when they are revealed… this brutal type of honesty makes people uncomfortable… you surely have a gift…others may not confess, but you have given them a voice with this poem!

    1. Tut Y Avatar

      Thank you so much! This means the world to me!! 🙌🏼

      1. poeticallyyours360 Avatar

        no problem…

  3. Sunra Rainz Avatar

    You are most welcome. And I’m glad to hear it 💖☀️

  4. Sunra Rainz Avatar

    I hope you have come out of this dark period and that writing this helped you to. I’m sorry you were feeling so bad, no one should be alone when they feel like that. Keep writing and reaching out, it always helps <3

    1. Tut Y Avatar

      Thank you so so much for saying this, it’s so nice and kind. I am not in that place anymore, I started this blog to help other people feel less alone, then I found myself feeling less alone. So only good things come from that situation. Thank you again ❤️🙏🏼

  5. Tut Y Avatar

    Yes indeed John 😊 I’m Tut

    1. bloglifenstuff40b7eba1f1 Avatar

      How do you pronounce that? Like Tut or toot?

      1. Tut Y Avatar

        Toot

      2. bloglifenstuff40b7eba1f1 Avatar

        Awesome 🙂

  6. bloglifenstuff40b7eba1f1 Avatar

    He gave you a friend. Hi, I’m John lol!

  7. EraGoddesofLove Avatar

    Love your writing!

    1. Tut Y Avatar

      Thank you so much!

  8. Jim Wingrove Avatar
    Jim Wingrove

    What do you mean by G? Take care 😊😊

    1. Tut Y Avatar

      Thank you 🙏🏼 This is a few months old, I’m more in the spring period nowadays. G is short for Gangster. How some people are forced to live with certain things and it makes them a certain way. Have a wonderful day 😊

      1. Jim Wingrove Avatar
        Jim Wingrove

        Thanks, I should have known. Glad you’re in the spring. I’m looking forward to the real spring, if nothing else 😊

      2. Tut Y Avatar

        Oh yes, definitely. We are on the verge of it 🌸

      3. Jim Wingrove Avatar
        Jim Wingrove

        I’m looking forward to the flowers 🌼🌼🌼

    2. Tut Y Avatar

      Took the feedback and changed the wording on the first row so maybe it’s a clearer message

      1. Jim Wingrove Avatar
        Jim Wingrove

        Yes, that makes it clearer for me…maybe the other way would be okay for younger people? Could also be “Gangstah” but maybe that is too facetious?

      2. Tut Y Avatar

        Yes I agree with you on both counts

      3. Jim Wingrove Avatar
        Jim Wingrove

        😊

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