I am angry and upset.
This life is annoying, the everyday is annoying, the routine is mundane and annoying.
How am I supposed to be myself in this world?
To function as I please and still maintain a connection to society and its petty, baseless, empty habits?
How am I supposed to be Godly and engage in holy activities when I have to take care of stupid, earthly errands I am being forced to take care of in order to be a functioning part of society?
I don’t want to talk to service representatives about mistakes their company made with my money, I want to talk to people about other things: meaningful ideas, freedom, happiness, elevation, mutual growth.
All my interactions are forced, some by others and some by me.
I feel like nothing comes naturally to me.
Doing Nothing feels natural to me many times.
Being Nothing feels completely unnatural.
I don’t feel comfortable in the every day life. I feel like It’s not my place. I have a different vibe.
I do want to be able to feel like I incorporate myself in society, in random basic interactions.
How am I supposed to do that full heartedly though, when I can’t find the ability to live in my own special vibe?
I would like to farm the land and grow my own food. I want to write and sing my own songs. I want to create and make things take form, work with my hands and body.
Nowadays, our activities are separated and designated: Specific workout, specific career, specific time for eating, specific time for resting, specific time off, specific work hours, specific time to shop, specific time to have fun.
When is the designated time slot to say fuck all this shit?
I don’t want to take it, and I also want to be able to succeed in it.
I want to fill my life with things that I want to do, new activities. I am also upset because I have to “make time” for it and it can’t be at the expense of what I have to do or am expected to do.
I want to perform all these activities naturally, not in a pre designated time slot.
I want some activities to be continuous and ever existing in my everyday life.
I guess that just means I have to do them consciously and continuously. The life is mine.
However, I find that I don’t know how to fill my time when I have to consider so many factors.
I get overwhelmed and the activities stop being desirable when I have to think so much about how am I going to be able to fit it in my life, or execute it.
I guess that just means I have to stop thinking and start doing.
Most of all I don’t know how to fill my time because ultimately I am not sure I know what I like and love.
This realization makes me sad…
What do I like to do?
I have been so consumed with what I thought I needed to do that I did not take the time to explore what things I like doing.
But really, I can do anything I want to do. The expectations I think of are a figment of my imagination.
Perhaps I am an entirely different person than what I thought so far?
Maybe I am a person engaging in many physical activities and not a person cooped up in a room?
So many times I was deprived from participating in physical social activities because I was an overweight child, and at some point I stopped wanting to have anything to do with the physical, but now I think I would love it because really, I always loved it.
I listened to people telling me I can’t instead of listening to what I knew inside: I can do it all.
Controlling my body is important to me.
Then again and after all, still when I think about “making time” for what I love doing, I get discouraged, annoyed and anxious, the same feelings I get when I have to make time for something I don’t like doing as much.
Maybe that’s just how I think I feel: Maybe I’m wrongly interpreting the sensations my body is feeling.
Maybe my body is preparing me for the experience I am about to embark on.
Instead I think it’s my mind discouraging me.
It’s my mistake and I can fix it.
I can do it all.
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