Life Around The Corner

Choosing Life and Operating Happiness

A Letter Not Sent

I am in a totally different world. Even though it’s the same it’s entirely different. I wish I could show you.
I feel confused and disconnected from any reality. Like the world isn’t real and there is no significance to anything that’s going on.
I don’t understand how and what time is and who I am in this world.
The only meaning and connection I see people find is within love and family.
I feel I want to be with you. I feel we can do it.
All I see in my family are the men and women taking care of each other. I see the men really loving their women and taking care of them, and the women do the same to their husbands and children.
I am the only exception and I feel so out of place. I want to have a man take care of me, I don’t want to do it all alone anymore. I don’t want to be strong enough to succeed alone. I don’t want to be alone. Still I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person and you are right.
We talked about what I want to do next. I want to live together with you in a new home we find together. I want us to take care of each other. I want to support you and I want you to support me. You’re the one I want to be with in my life.
I feel it will never happen for me. I don’t know why. I feel I always mess up everything and people leave me. My entire life experience is rejection and shame.
Here, I feel ashamed of who I am. By having no family I feel I achieved nothing and my existence is meaningless. I want to be a mother so bad and always felt I’ll be a wonderful mother but here I feel like I’m incompetent to even be alive.
I have such great plans and none of them are alone, they’re all family related. I left my family to start a family and I’ve failed miserably and it seems this is just going further and further away from me because I feel so messed up.
I actually feel much worse, I feel everything I’m doing is wrong, I even feel wrong when I want to speak about myself because who am I?
I don’t know who I am.
I’m the strongest and the weakest and when I’m the weakest I’m not really me. I’m one of the smartest people I know and yet I can’t seem to explain myself and get frustrated like a child when I’m misunderstood. I feel so overwhelmed here, there is no one to speak to with all the love because I don’t feel worthy of anything here or at all.
All I want is to feel loved but I don’t love myself because I feel no one else does.
I don’t know how all this became because so many people love me. I see it and I don’t see it at the same time.
Everything here is about family and since no man loves me I’m nothing because I don’t have a family. It makes me feel so fucked up. No one says this to me and yet this is how I feel.
Everyone around have a purpose to take care of their own and I have no one to take care of and I feel like shit. I feel I don’t have a right to do anything different or for myself because everyone else is speaking for a group but I only speak for me and I’m nothing in the bigger picture. I have no place.
I really can’t begin to explain to you how much pain and loneliness I have inside me. Even though it’s nothing at all compared to your pain it’s still real and the burden of carrying this alone is heavy.
I feel like it can all change in a swift, if I feel accepted I’ll be so light.
But it’s like the egg and the chicken – what love comes first, Mine or another’s? To make me come to life.
My Bible teacher said God made men to have proof of its existence.
Meaning if there were no people who would know there is God?
So this is how I feel. Who knows the wonder that is me if my love goes ungiven? I want to take care, to show love, to raise, to laugh but if no one feels it then what’s the point?

I Love You, unsent.

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