Life Around The Corner

Choosing Life and Operating Happiness

Excuse Me.

I am rambling through a dark space
That is my mind.
I feel so unworthy.
I never see the good things I do.
I don’t pat myself on the back.
I don’t cheer myself up.
Nothing I do is ever enough,
I am never enough
For myself.
I can always do better.
Instead of using that as encouragement
I use it as judgment.
I am tired and weary.
I have had enough of these feelings,
In my world where nothing
Is ever enough.
I am chained by reality
And the paralyzing
Self abuse.
All my achievements
Are blown in the wind
Like the white tufts
Of a Groundsel
In autumn.
A fog screen
Is blinding me from sight
Of my everyday
Nobilities.
I want to feel pink and yellow
And I feel gray.
I want to feel joyous, in bloom
And I don’t know how.
I forget the good
And remember the pain.
It is carved in me with
A blunt bladed knife.
All I do feels insufficient.
Looking from the outside
I do much, I achieve much.
All is invisible
Through my scrutinizing eyes.
I don’t know how to change,
I try everyday.
It’s like I don’t understand,
The work will only be done
When I am dead.
Every day is a full cycle
Of achievements.
Life in its entirety
Is not an achievement,
It is just life.
Who I am is a sum of actions,
Spreading love.
I do that. I feel it is not enough.
I try to do it more.
I understand so many things,
And still my work feels
Like it doesn’t mean a thing.
I take my love and tenderness
And relentlessly smash them
With a big, steel hammer
Without shame or mercy.
I do it in a dark room with
One window,
Gray walls,
Completely empty.
I am a man
In a black, leather mask
And I tear myself down.
A woman
Would never
Do this.

WRITTEN: APR 12, 2022

22 responses to “Excuse Me.”

  1. Just so you know, you’re very successful at this. And you shouldn’t doubt yourself. Though I completely understand.

  2. It hurt my soul to read your post, My Dear! Knowing that your mind is an authoritarian perfectionist that keeps hurting your heart and soul!! No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and have flaws. If mercy and forgiveness is offered to us from above we should accept the love and live in that blessing and gift that is given to us. Live in the joy of knowing You are enough just as you are!!!! 😍😘💕🌹 Learn to love yourself and be happy!
    here is a great video on happiness that I love and has helped me – lock up my inner perfectionist!!

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to write this to me, I really appreciate it!! I will watch now. Gratitude is very much in me, somehow for all but myself. So I definitely have a lot to progress and learn. Thank you again!! Have a beautiful day 💕🙏🏼😊

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