It’s a sunny day and I feel discouraged.
My inner contradictions are having a noisy house party.
Nothing is one way or the other, everything is one way and another.
It’s getting warmer outside but I don’t feel like leaving my home. It feels safe here, except from the times I dream my apartment is being invaded.
The outside brings so many conflicts, one of which is What to wear?
I would like to go outside in a shiny, glittery dress, covered in jewelry, makeup and hair done immaculately. I want to show my inner glow but I fear being myself.
I wear my beautiful dresses, look at myself in the mirror and change to something far more bland (to me) so I can blend in the crowd.
I don’t feel apart of the crowd yet I want to blend in it. Still, I know I stand out.
If I didn’t have this terrifying anxiety when people look at me, I would proudly strut the streets wearing magnificent gowns.
As of now I feel people see an impressive woman walking when really, I feel down. Then again, I feel they see my deepest pain. Looking in my eyes they see fear and shame.
No one is concerned with me, thank God.
Still I suffer, as if whatever I wear will determine the world’s fate. I stay home.
I feel I create a certain impression when I speak, an impression that is partially true: that I am a confident person. Also inside I’m so shy. Personal communications dread me because I feel my soul is exposed and unprotected. When I feel misunderstood I take it as a personal insult because I think my soul is up for judgement.
I know none of these things are true.
The person who is frightened isn’t the person people see speak.
The person who walks the streets anxious is not the confidant woman others see passing by.
I don’t care what strangers think of me and if I were to walk outside as my real self I don’t care for anyone to stare at me. These thoughts are not because I care what people think, they are a reflection of an inner battle of being or not being who I truly feel I am.
I keep thinking of ways to stay off people’s radar so they never look at me and I won’t have to face myself: I have been living as a downgraded version of myself to avoid paying the premium price.
I don’t want anyone to know how magnificent I think I am, and That makes me feel terrible. If people knew I would have to live up to it. I would have to live.
I get so confused.
I feel grand and I’m afraid to be grand.
I am grand and I’m afraid to admit it.
It’s too confusing.
Am I who I am, or am I how I feel?
If I don’t live a grand life then am I even real?
Maybe I’m just a lingering light hiding at home?
I feel I need to be more active and out otherwise my life is meaningless, and in my mind exists an incredibly vivacious world no one knows of.
I do live a grand life,
I do everything as best as I know.
I have achieved much, took many risks and received many rewards.
I see myself in so many eyes, more than I own.
If I’m so many things, how do I know who I am?
How do I “Be Everything”?
Confusion isn’t easy to articulate.
All that matters is that this makes sense to me.
Oh, but wait,
I wrote this piece for all of you.
As I write the sky turned gray.
There is much for me to do.
WRITTEN: MAR 20, 2022