There is no easy way to become a Gangster;
Real soldiers carry their PTSD.
It Hunts me to the point I can’t sleep,
It scarred my heart deep deep.
I feel dark.
I carry heavy weight no one knows about.
I have visions I collapse
Visions of bleeding and of violent death.
My head bleeds
My neck bleeds
I want my baby to tell me it’s alright
But he left me
Because I’m me.
I cry too much
I’m sad too much.
I’m a Queen in a cave,
My light is hidden.
I miss my baby
But he left me
And he was never mine.
I was being desperate and blind.
I’m afraid I will die alone and no one will know.
I’m afraid I won’t see my family ever again.
I’m afraid I won’t see my baby ever again.
A broken heart
My dog is gone,
My baby is gone.
My eyes hurt
My neck hurts
There is no taste
Only after taste.
I think I am sick
I am love sick
I am vision impaired
I need help
I am so fucking hurt.
How do I live in the world without faith?
I feed myself the worst thoughts, how I’m unlovable and unaccepted.
It sounds absurd, even to me,
But every time I dare believe different for the slightest second,
My heart breaks.
No one has mercy for the none believers
Not even God.
And since I have no faith,
How will I achieve anything?
There is something very wrong with me.
I think I am a good woman
But maybe I am just trash.
I do not think I should live anymore
I am starting to think I only came here to die
To have my family used to living without me
So I could die.
God does not give me children or love.
I want to give others and I don’t know how.
I want to be my baby’s woman but he feels nothing for me.
I know I’m being stubborn but how do I let it all be?
Why am I so lame?
I try to get up and I start crying.
The pain doesn’t go away,
I cannot live this way anymore.
Without family there is no life.
Real G’s manage living with the lack of love.
Every day is a battle, wanting to forget and remember at the same time,
PTSD fucks with the mind.
I’m a G.
I hide my pain so well
Inside I cry.
I sleep with one eye open
Ready to die.
WRITTEN: APR 29, 2021