I wonder if other people want to die sometimes too. Is this a normal thing, to want to die?
I’m stuck. I think about taking a knife and slitting my throat. I won’t do it. But I think it.
Everything will be over. All my suffering and the waste that is my life.
People leave me. They love me and leave me anyway. They stop loving me. They go.
No one stays and I want to leave too.
I’m crying day and night.
Ignoring my accomplishments and my beautiful life, refusing to engage with people and remaining stuck in my hurt and fear…
I hate living like this.
When I have a happy moment it becomes sad so quickly, having no one to share it with.
I thought I was going to build a big family.
I left my big family like it was not good enough and they are The Best. I felt I wasn’t good enough for them though, because they all got new lives with new loved ones and I am alone.
My dog died and I have not been touched or acknowledged for so long. I thought I would have a man by now, a family.
How will I have a man who wants me when I would rather die than be alone with myself?
I want a baby but I keep crying like I am the baby.
I want a family but am I even capable of having one?
They say they love me, they hurt me and leave me. Then I strike back and I become the villain but who will comfort me?
I have always been alone.
I live the reality of my fears becoming reality every single day. My mind is fucked up, scrambled.
I am here on this earth wasting days and days shedding endless tears.
The loneliness I experience is overwhelming.
In my life of achievements I feel a constant failure. An unloved, sad, beaten soul.
Crying, curled up in a corner of a room that is my empty heart. Left alone, all alone, untouched.
A killer that is alone.
WRITTEN: OCT 23, 2021